Absence makes the heart grow fonder
by osiris5
Summary: A depressed Colonel decides to take action


Freedom at last. I look forward to going home to a nice hot shower and a few beers in front of the TV before making my way to my bed. Before I leave the base there's something I have to do first. I get out of the lift and head towards Carters lab. The door's open so I walk in. Resisting the urge to fiddle with a... a... something, I walk over to where she's looking into a microscope.   
  
"Hey Carter." She whirls round in surprise, and I smile sheepishly, hopefully looking suitably guilty for surprising her.  
  
"Sir! How are you?"   
  
"Great, they just let me out of the infirmary. I was just going to head home." I skate round the real reason I'm here. While I was alone in that fortress, the time Daniel left me, I had time to think. I realised that even if I couldn't act on my feelings, I had to let her know how I feel. Just in case. I shove my hands in my pockets to stop me picking up the nearest object, and stare at the floor.  
  
"Did you want something sir?" She asks recognising the familiar 'I want to say something but don't know how' gesture.  
  
"Um..." Come on brain. Think. THINK. "...I just came to see if you wanted to come fishing." There. I've asked her so many times before she won't suspect anything. I wasn't planning to go fishing but that doesn't matter, as she probably won't come.  
  
"I've got to..."  
  
"Sure." I don't really want to know what she's about to do. "But you could do with a break for a few days," I add hopefully.  
  
"Maybe next time sir," and she gives me a nice smile as compensation. I look at the floor again quickly then look up and smile back.  
  
"Well I'll see you soon then."  
  
"See ya." I leave her to do whatever she's doing and leave the base.  
  
  
  
I return a few days later to attend another wonderfully boring briefing. I suppose I'll get some sleep, or just get the perfect opportunity to do what I do best. Daydream. At least we get comfy chairs. Apparently we're visiting a planet with a large built up area, looks advanced. Carter's happy, new toys to play with. I'd better go and get ready.   
  
We go to the gate room where I leave without my usual sarcastic comment, much to the surprise of Daniel, Carter, General Hammond and pretty much everyone else who knows me. The reason for this is simple. While I was away I had a chance to think. Really think and I came to the conclusion that all I could do with my feelings for Sam ... NO, Carter ... is bury them, like I've done with so many other feelings I've had throughout my life. The main problem is that I can't. It's not that simple. Maybe because there's doubt in my mind as to whether she feels the same way, or maybe it's just that the feelings are too strong or too close to my heart. The overall effect has made me sink into a kind of depression. But no matter how hard it is I have to keep my mind clear and concentrate on this mission, or I'll get us all killed.  
  
I see the planet appear in front of me. The rise and fall of sand dunes seem to go on forever in all directions. My mind is clear again, as if the trip through the gate has wiped my head clear of all thoughts other than those concerning the mission. I turn to look at Carter who smiles and starts to walk.  
  
"This way," she says cheerfully and so we walk. We start to trudge onwards through the sand and the sun. As we reach the top of the nearest sand dune I stop, and hear the other members of my team do the same. In the distance I can see more than a few tall buildings. They don't look like anything I've ever seen before. They look like something from Star Wars, tall and shiny towers going up to seemingly impossible heights. We carry on, sometimes talking, sometimes in silence, but always tuned in to the world around us and each other. As we reach the top of each new sand dune we see more of the civilisation that we're heading towards, until we can see the tops of the towers even at the bottom of the dunes. After a few hours we reach the edge of the city and stop to take it all in, before with my usual sarcasm, we enter.  
  
"What do you think Carter?" I ask, for no particular reason. No. That's not true. I asked her to hear the sound of her voice.  
  
"Seems very advanced Sir, but they may not be willing to share anything," I hear her say and as the words sink in I realise that they could be just as helpful as the nox or tollan were. We keep walking, passing people who give us strange looks before carrying on with their daily business. Eventually we reach a sort of square clearing and stand there looking around us when a woman walks towards us.  
  
"I heard that strangers had arrived here, and that you were heading in this direction. Who are you?" She asks us, obviously trying to determine whether we are friend or foe. Jonas steps in and does a 'peaceful explorers' speech and within in a few short minutes we are being shown into a large comfortable room, with about 8 or 10 comfy looking chairs, all facing each other, in the middle of the room. Apparently the city is called 'Lerac' and they were brought here by someone that Daniel knew well, Osiris, thousands of years ago.  
  
Presently, three people walk in and sit down, gesturing to us to do the same. I walk over and sit down and hear the others all sit down beside me. They question us a little about our world, and they tell us a little about their world.   
  
"A long time ago, this planet was once ruled by a goa'uld called Osiris." The woman who first met us began to tell us. Apparently her name is Sirior. "He was strong and turned many of my people into slaves. Those that rose against him were killed. Then, as far as we can tell from the writings from the time, he just disappeared. After a few days, we were told that he had been killed, and our people were free from him."  
  
"No, he wasn't killed." Jonas interrupts. He receives many curious and astonished looks from the locals, so he continues unphased. "He was trapped in stasis on earth by another goa'uld. Unfortunately he was released not long ago by accident. He took a female host and left our planet before we could stop her." They look at each other, slightly worried by this news.  
  
"So, what happened next?" I ask, in case we have to go into details about how and why he/she/it escaped.  
  
"Another goa'uld came, Sutekh, and he was just as bad, if not worse than Osiris because he could control peoples minds. However, when he arrived, some of our people managed to hide in an underground tunnel that had been built in secret, in case the time came when they would be able to hide there. They were brought supplies by one or two people who knew of their existence. As soon as they had the supplies, they invented weapons, and built enough of them to start an uprising that caught Sutekh by surprise. He was overthrown and by the time he returned with an army of Jaffa, they had set up defence mechanisms and they have been free ever since. However they weren't able to kill Sutekh, and there has always been fear that he will return," Sirior finishes.   
  
"Well you don't need to worry about Sutekh anymore," Jonas says, gesturing at us. "They killed him a few years ago." We did??? I don't remember him. I voice my opinions only to be made to feel very stupid when Teal'c, complete with the raised eyebrow, informs me that Sutekh is just another name for Seth. Luckily Sam, who is looking longingly at a computer in the corner tries and fails to stifle a yawn, providing a distraction and draws the attention away from my stupidity. Sirior notices this, and suggests that they continue in the morning. We are shown to a large room with four smaller rooms with large beds set in the wall.  
  
"You may go anywhere in the city, but many places are inhabited by people so until tomorrow, we ask that you stay in this building and outside," Sirior tells. That seemed fair to me, and anyway, I'm tired so I'm unlikely to want to go anywhere, even though I won't sleep. As soon as I'm free to think my own thoughts, I know that I will sink back into my old depression. We sit around, chatting for a while, before first Jonas, then Teal'c go their separate ways, leaving me and Carter alone. We sit in silence for a while, before Carter suggests we go for a walk.  
  
"Sir, are you ok?" she asks as soon as we are out in the fresh air. I sigh and sit down on a convenient looking patch of sand. She knows. Maybe not consciously, but deep inside she knows what's wrong.  
  
"No, actually. I'm not." I say. I've been meaning to get this off my chest ever since I escaped from Baal. She sits next to me.  
  
"What's wrong?" She sounds concerned.  
  
"Don't take this the wrong way but you, actually."   
  
"What's that meant to mean?"  
  
"I've had a lot of time to think recently, and I don't know if you still feel anything for me, but I still care about more than I should." She puts her head in her hands when she hears these words, and then she looks deep into my eyes and my heart sinks to see tears in her eyes.  
  
"Of course I still have feelings for you, I always have, but we can't do anything about it. Maybe we were wrong to leave the za'tarc testing confessions in the room. We need to talk about this."  
  
"I'll retire. That's the only way out of this."  
  
"No. It would drive us apart being separated when I'm off-world and you'd hate me for making you leave the SGC."  
  
"What do you suggest? We can't carry on like this."  
  
"I'll transfer to another SG team."  
  
"There's no way I'm letting you go through the gate without me."  
  
"So we're stuck then." She sounds close to tears. I put my arm round her and she leans in to me.  
  
"I just wanted to let you know how I feel. I'm happier now that I know that you feel the same way as me."  
  
"When I thought we'd lost you when that stupid Tok'ra ran off with your body, I kept regretting things that we hadn't done. We need to do something." I know she's right. We can't keep going like this, but I can't think of anything.  
  
"I know, we'll think of something," but even as the words come out of my mouth, I already doubt that there's any solution to this other than to keep going. Maybe not as we have been, but still carrying on as though our hearts are empty of those feelings. We stay there, alone in the darkness for a long time, enjoying the moment, until exhaustion starts to take over and we decide that we should probably go to bed.  
  
We try to creep into our room inconspicuously, but Jonas had woken up and gone to get a glass of water from the main room.  
  
"Sam! Jack! What are you doing here!" he says in amazement, dropping the glass and disturbing Teal'c's meditation in the process.   
  
"Jonas! erm..." my voice trails off, but luckily Sam's brain works at least 100 times faster than mine and manages to think of something to say.  
  
"We couldn't sleep so we went for a walk." He doesn't look convinced. In fact, I don't think I've seen anyone look less convinced in my whole life. Luckily before he can say anything incriminating, Teal'c walked out of his room to join the little pyjama party we seem to have going here.  
  
"Is there a problem?" he asks expressionlessly, unless you include that eyebrow...  
  
"No" I say, perhaps a little too quickly. "We were just going to bed," and so we do, each of us going our separate ways until the next day.  
  
  
  
The next morning, we go back to the Lerac version of the briefing room, to discuss any technology that we may wish to trade. They seem very grateful that we killed they're enemy for them, so maybe we can persuade them to let us have some of their technology in return for ... something. They seemed intrigued with the idea of different countries, with different languages and rulers yesterday, and I think they want to know more about earth.   
  
"We will give you something as a gesture of good intentions, but we can't share weapons technology until we can be sure that they will be used appropriately. We feel that the only way to determine this would be to travel to your planet." A spokesman says after they adjourned to decide what to give us and what to keep secret. Luckily Sam gets there before I can say anything I may (or may not) later regret.  
  
"I'm sure we'd do the same if it were the other way around." She says giving me a sideways glance that clearly says 'don't say anything stupid, Jack'.   
  
"We would like to know which piece of technology you want us to give you, and we would be more than happy to show you round Lerac," they continue. This time I don't feel so impatient, because they're letting us choose what we want, instead of the other way around.  
  
"Thank you, can we let you know what we'd like after the tour?" I say. They nod their agreement and we set off. It looks like they're not as advanced as the Tollan, Nox or Asgard, but they still have a lot to share. Carter liked the strange looking contraptions in the hospital and science labs, which we were allowed a brief look at, and Jonas got very excited when they showed us an old temple where they had learnt much of their history. In the end it is decided that we would take some weird drugs that can cure people with cancer for analysis.   
  
We head back to the gate with two people from the planet, including Sirior, in a very cheerful mood. It's not every day you find a cure for cancer that doesn't involve those damn snakes.  
  
  
Once we're back at the SGC, we have to go to the briefing room almost as soon as we've walked down the ramp. Janet seems very excited about the new drugs and sweeps them off to the distant reaches of her lab for testing. The visitors are shocked at the lack of natural light and Carter is introducing Sirior and Astesh to General Hammond. Teal'c and Jonas say something about a translation they need to do from some of the more difficult sections of text in the temple and I just stand there. In the middle of all the hustle and bustle that is the SGC, taking it in. Wishing, hoping, dreaming. I realise that I can't stand there all day and I wander out of the gate room, meaning to go and have a shower to clear my head. The last trip through the stargate had the opposite effect to the one before and I struggle against despair as I walk towards the shower room.   
  
The shower helps clear my head slightly and last night's discussion has reminded me that we have no choice. The negotiations for technology are out of my hands now, although I'll have to sit through all the meetings, pretending to have a brain. I'll have to carry on. For earth and all the people in it, knowing that most of them have never even heard of a stargate. SG1 have to carry on as a team, and as I leave the shower room I remember what I'm fighting for, and for the first time since that damn Tok'ra left me for dead, I feel strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me. For now. 


End file.
